I’m addicted to horoscopes.
I have three apps on my phone. But, to be fair, if my horoscope states, “Don’t bother, girl. Go back to bed,” I’m not going to cancel plans. Unless they’re outdoors. It’s icky weather lately.
One app, Daily Horoscopes Plus, offers zodiac related stories. Fascinating and weird tales all based on your horoscope. Everything from “Your Kissing Style, According to Your Zodiac Sign” to “Zodiac Signs That Like To Party and Get Craaaaazy When They’re Out.”
Seriously, these are real stories that people are reading during their downtime between learning French and how to fold a fitted sheet.
Signs are rates, ranked – and even shamed. All in good fun.
Such as, “Signs Who Are Perfect Husband Material, Ranked From Best To Worst,” and “The Sign You Shouldn’t Date According To Your Sign”
My sign, Aries, has tripled flipped on who I shouldn’t date. See you later, Pisces. Time to Cancer to shine. Bye bye, crabby, it’s Capricorn time.
Best husband has also changed three times.
Sorry Gemini, in a double-blind study, you have been determined not the best husband. Please hand the crown to Cancer, and take your fourth place sash. Cancer, if you cannot continue your duties as best husband of the zodiac, you shall bestow the title to … Taurus.
“How You Act When Someone Breaks Your Heart … ”
Contrary to the Aries-type case, we don’t blow up. In fact, I’m not sure what we do. One story said, we won’t do anything crazy, and another said, “Oh, yeah. You lose your mind,” and we do something drastic. Plot twist!
And you can find anything for your horoscope. Not sure where to vacay this year? Check the app. They have “Where to go for your vacation in 2018, based on your sign” (Caribbean, I sizzle like a marshmallow) and “Zodiac Ranking of Who Will Be the Happiest in 2018” (Fifth place, hooray).
I understand these are for entertainment purposes only. But some people won’t leave their houses without checking their scopes. These aren’t just stories, this is life advice.
To each their own, but I was supposed to find love on New Year’s Eve.
Which I spend alone.